I was watching a video this morning about a clinical psychologist and family therapist who unequivocally denounced the way we love our children depending on how much of our expectations they can or cannot live up to. I was about to dismiss the video as yet another diatribe on old school parenting and its pitfalls. However, once I reached the end of the video, I was already converted to her perspective, proved by how uncomfortable her words made me.
Dr Shefali's video
It is certainly a fact that we spend most of our lives living upto the expectations of our parents, relatives, teachers, peers and society. Our parents said we argued too much and as a teacher, I was awed that the students I taught knew their minds more than we did at their age.When I examined them as individuals, however, I felt that there was seething discontent and simmering tension underlying their apparently personal beliefs and aims. There was what we call the Freudian superego which took a prominent role in their way of approaching life in general. As the parent of a little boy now, I keep on feeling unnerved this morning at the possibility that I might be loving him conditionally for how much and many of my wishes, commands and interests he might be meeting or not. Everytime he rebels, even if it is over his choice of food or clothes or TV programme, do I not quell his enthusiasm or opinion by imposing mine over him, dictator style? And when I say he has disappointed me, do I not overlook how his eagerness to be loved or accepted for what he is and how he is is being trampled underfoot by well...overparenting?
I have spent endless hours of my waking existence rueing how my not doing a PhD or studying medicine or going abroad for higher studies have frustrated my parents' and wellwishers' benevolently extrapolated career trajectory for me. Am I not repeating their mistake of not accepting me as a slightly less ambitious person in general, who would rather be contented in her own little world of good books, good films, good food, travelling and writing? Do I not still spend nights hating myself for not fulfilling desires that I never had for myself? Am I still not struggling to accept myself for what I am and good enough at it?
Then why would I want to do the same as a parent/ teacher to my own child? Who is after all, a different person altogether?
While I think about this, I would like you to do so too. Self evaluation and self assessment is radical in our scheme of living, after all, in this day and age of mindful parenting.
Dr Shefali's video
It is certainly a fact that we spend most of our lives living upto the expectations of our parents, relatives, teachers, peers and society. Our parents said we argued too much and as a teacher, I was awed that the students I taught knew their minds more than we did at their age.When I examined them as individuals, however, I felt that there was seething discontent and simmering tension underlying their apparently personal beliefs and aims. There was what we call the Freudian superego which took a prominent role in their way of approaching life in general. As the parent of a little boy now, I keep on feeling unnerved this morning at the possibility that I might be loving him conditionally for how much and many of my wishes, commands and interests he might be meeting or not. Everytime he rebels, even if it is over his choice of food or clothes or TV programme, do I not quell his enthusiasm or opinion by imposing mine over him, dictator style? And when I say he has disappointed me, do I not overlook how his eagerness to be loved or accepted for what he is and how he is is being trampled underfoot by well...overparenting?
I have spent endless hours of my waking existence rueing how my not doing a PhD or studying medicine or going abroad for higher studies have frustrated my parents' and wellwishers' benevolently extrapolated career trajectory for me. Am I not repeating their mistake of not accepting me as a slightly less ambitious person in general, who would rather be contented in her own little world of good books, good films, good food, travelling and writing? Do I not still spend nights hating myself for not fulfilling desires that I never had for myself? Am I still not struggling to accept myself for what I am and good enough at it?
Then why would I want to do the same as a parent/ teacher to my own child? Who is after all, a different person altogether?
While I think about this, I would like you to do so too. Self evaluation and self assessment is radical in our scheme of living, after all, in this day and age of mindful parenting.
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