Job H(a)unting

Seems a humongous task of late. It seems people here don't know how to read. I ran an ad in a couple of popular websites here, which was worded as follows :

"Re: Wanted Part/Full-time Educational/Proofreading-Editing/Writing Vacancy"

In response, I've been flooded with emails, offering me anything and everything that I do not want to do. That includes accounting, quality check in labs and private companies,sales and sales related managerial positions, insurance representation, telemarketing, translating from French to English (I don't know French at all !), wireless consultation (?), personal lines production (?), secretarial duties (manning phones, answering mails and operating fax machines), collecting money on behalf of companies located in places as diverse as Qatar, Egypt, South Africa and UK (and USA, of course) and handling them wisely for a considerable commission and similar considerations.

I re-produce a few samples of the latter :

SPECIMEN 1:

"United Textiles
2225 Grant Avenue
San Lorenzo, CA
94580smith19885@yahoo.com

EMPLOYMENT COMMITTEE, (Part-Time Offer)
UNITED TEXTILES

GOOD DAY,
The employment committee of UNITED TEXTILES does use this medium to implore your consent about the employment of new staffs in order to carryout/execute the post of a representative to our company.Being a representative to the company, you are to receive payments from the company customers who buy goods from our company and send the payments to our company branches where the goods are bought by the company customers.In addition, the board is willing to pay any representative a 20% of the payments made by the company customers and would also receive a monthly payment of USD $1,500 for the post of a representative of "United Textiles . Inc '' .More so,If you are interested, and willing to assume the post then email us back with the below information.

Information Required :
Age:
Full name:
Sex:
Phone number :
Occupation:
Address:

Thanks for your anticipation towards the growth of this company. I will be looking forward to hearing from you soonest with a positive reply.
Best Regards.
EMPLOYMENT COMMITTEE
UNITED TEXTILES
smith19885@yahoo.com
Copyright © 2004 United Textile, Inc. All rights reserved"


SPECIMEN 2 :

"Hello ,
How are you doing today?
I am DAVID WHALEY, a native of San Antonio,TX based in Saudi Arabia. I am crude oil merchant based here inSaudi Arabia for 32 years and i am also the CEO/MD of Alhamrani-FuchsPetroleum Ltd. I have a lot of business associates, clients andcustomers round the globe and this is what prompted me to contactyou. However, due to my large business empire i am finding itdifficult to handle most of the international transactions with mycustomers,clients and business associates and would like to employ yourservices as my Marketing & Sales Manager for investors and customers inthe states ..."Please take note that this position will not affect your present job".

DETAILS
Taking records of crude oil sale to my customers in the state.
Sending price increment or decrement notice to our customers in the states via phone,emails or fax.
Running the company's account in the states.(An account will be open on behalf of the company,which i will let you know when to do that and fund will be made available for that) Printing and packaging payments, mailing payments to suppliers inthe states.
Receiving payments from customers and clients in the states.
Deposit payments into the company's account or wait for further instructions from me.

2....PAY RATE.
$550 weekly is what i am willing to pay.If you are interested, get back to me with the below details so as toget started.

3....REQUIRED INFORMATIONS.
Name:
Address: (p.o box not accepted)
City:
state
Zip code >
phone :(Home and cell)
Age:(Must be 20 and above)
Sex:
Present occupation:

On my website, you will find a field where you could send your resume,do not use that because it's for applicants within Saudi-Arabia only, ihope you understand this very well.I await to hear from you as soon as possible if you are interested

Thank you and God bless.

DAVID WHALEY
CEO/MD
Alhamrani-Fuchs Petroleum Ltd
11 Kumaranyakae Road.
P.O. Box 7103
Jeddah 21462
Kingdom of Saudi-Arabia
Phone #966-2-663-5666
Fax #966-2-666-3702

Email DAVIDWHALEY101@YAHOO.COM
Website: www.fuchs.com.sa <http://www.fuchs.com.sa>"



SPECIMEN 3:

"Dear Sir/Ma,
My name is Terry Robinson.I own the ROBINSON HOME OF TEXTILES AND FABRICS in Dublin(Ireland).Our company deals in the manufacturing and sales of textiles and fabrics. We have been receiving orders from NORTHERN AMERICA,and AUSTRALIA which we have not been able to process competently since we do not have a payment receiving personnel in these Areas.So we have decided to recruit payment officers online hence we will be needing a representative to process our payments in these areas - due todelays in processing payments from these areas in Ireland.
ROBINSON TEXTILE AND FABRICS needs a book-keeper in these areas, so we want to know if you will like to work online from home, getting paid weekly without leaving or it affecting your present job?. What we offer: two hours/day at your choice, daytime or evening time.
WORK AT HOME: checking e-mail and going to the bank Part time or full time.
OTHER HIGHLIGHTS: no selling involved, no kit to buy,we won't charge you anything. WEEKLY SALARY: minimum of $450 every two weeks to a total of $900 per month.
COMMISSION: 10% of every money order/check that is cashed instantly"cash in hand" or "cash on counter" is what you get from the total cashed amount.
EXAMPLE If you receive a check of $1,000.00 your net income is $100.00,You will process at least 2-3 orders per day and you will earn more than $200.00 cash in hand each day. WHAT WE ASK:Two free hours daily not including weekends, Internet access for sending and receiving e-mails,available means of cashing money orders/checks at your bank using your existing bank account.
IMPORTANT. You must be over 21 years of age,U.S,CANADIAN OR AUSTRALIAN, CITIZENSHIP.
If you meet these conditions Please add your.....Full Names:Contact Home AddressZip Code:State:Phone/Fax numbers:for quick delivery of payments.We will never ask you for anything more then that, No bank names, No bank account number, routing number, credit card, passwords, SSN# etc. Ifanyone asks for those on our behalf please do not give out this info.This is to ensure your security and non involvement incases of Identity theft.
Thanks....
T.Robinson C.E.O
...Thank you so much......................."

If you have had enough, let's move on to more colourful pastures.



SPECIMEN 4 :

A certain James Dunn was very laconic. The following is his email, verbatim.

"Have you recently lost your job or did you quit?
Talk to you soon!
jamesnidezu@gmail.com"



SPECIMEN 5 :

This one sounded like a recently ditched lover :

"Hey, I just reviewed your resume posted here on Craigslist.

A lot of people we contact on here don't even respond back so ifyou're still available and serious about making a change right nowthen email me back referencing your file ID# 2008-2915 and I'll get you some info.

Sincerely,
Shannon Hansen

P.S.If I don't hear back from you within 24 hours I'll just assumeyou are happy where you are and I'll make sure you never get emailed again."



SPECIMEN 6 :

And do check out this one (ooh la la, I'm so honoured !)...

"Dear Gargi,
After reviewing your resume, we'd like to invite you to apply for our sales management training program at Bankers Life and Casualty Company. We're recruiting both entry-level and experienced sales professionals with:·
Proven leadership capabilities·
Strong communication and interpersonal skills·
Interest in joining the fast-growing baby boomer/senior insurance market·
Drive for rapid advancement into an insurance sales management position·
Desire to earn a six-figure salary with the freedom of an entrepreneurial lifestyle·
Ambition, competitive mind-set and strong work ethic·
Commitment to making a difference in people's lives everyday

Established in 1879, Bankers is one of the only companies in the country devoted exclusively to the financial security needs of seniors. We offer a broad portfolio of health and life insurance and retirement savings products through our nationwide network of more than 160 branch offices. And with the Baby Boom generation approaching retirement, both our company and our industry are experiencing dramatic growth. If selected, you'll receive:·
Unlimited income potential (associate managers earn $60K to $100K; top managers earn upwards of $200K)·
Competitive commissions and compensation package·
Opportunity to earn quarterly bonuses and exciting sales incentive trips·
Formal training in our nationally-recognized Bankers Learning Network program·
Access to Bankers' lead generation and sales technology programs·
Freedom to be your own boss, but with the support of large corporation

To learn more or schedule an appointment with a recruiter, please reply to this email or click the self-register link below:

SELF REGISTER

We look forward to meeting you!
Rick Whippee
Bankers Life and Casualty,
Somerset Branch
Click here to learn more about an exciting career with Bankers !"


SPECIMEN 7 :

This one had me totally flummoxed. :

"Dear Sir/Ma,
I was wondering if you would like to work for us . We will give you the details of the job when we hear from you. Please let us know if you are interested.
Thanks
C.E.O Onosoga Bolaji"

How on earth am I supposed to know whether I want to work for you if I have no idea who you are or what you have in mind for me ?!
Bizarre, to say the least.

LAST WORDS :

Just wondering how people in this country manage to land any decent and what's more, any relevant job at all !!!