Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I feel wretched...

Ok, I'm back.And much better. But I did have an awful time while the influenza was making its slow and surreptitious invasion over my innermost anatomy. Sneezing,running nose,blocked nose, coughing, headache, eye pain....man, was there an end to it,you'll wonder... Oddly enough, I was at my lucid best in terms of writing power. A couple of observant friends did report that to me. But then, I always knew that I stood out in crowds because of all the wrong things.

The worst part of fever for me is that it leaves me alone with myself and those fears, guilt feelings and psychic debts I do otherwise manage to repress. Psychoanalytically, that's easy to explain. Your conscious self recedes to the background and the unconscious returns with a vengeance. Anyway,I'm not going to go into all those intricacies. For sooner or later, some purist will turn up and accuse me of having the audacity to dilute Lacan and prostituting him. I wouldn't like that to happen.

Let's come back to the point.I realised in these couple of days, that I've been too caught up with K to give the other people in my life the attention they do merit. Especially those who have always been there for me, without being assertive in any way whatsoever. Rashi, for instance. She deserves to see much more of me than I do spare time for her. And Tua, Shobhana, Sohini.....they don't complain....but that's because they're probably generous enough to forgive me repeatedly. Can't say for certain whether I would have done the same in their places. But all I know is that I feel wretched at the thought of this narcissistic streak I hadn't known to exist in me before. Just proves that you're as bad as other people, if not worse. All preaching, no practice.

What can I say, everyone? 'Forgive me' sounds too cliched. Just 'let me try again ' perhaps?

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